Amidst the roaring sea

Too much time has passed. Though still young, I already feel old at my age. Why do things have to turn out this way? What have I done to merit this kind of life I’m leading now? I am supposed to be happy and content with the things I have achieved. Yet, there is a certain inkling in my heart telling me that I am supposed to be someplace else and that I have something yet to do which will prove the worth of my existence. I have lost my self-worth in the midst of my journey. Regaining it back is going to be a slow process. I have to retrace the path I’ve walked upon and find the inner child obscured within.

The sky is overcast and gloomy. It is the season of the northwest monsoon. The seas at this time of the year in the Western Pacific are bound to be rough and treacherous as the waters are being churned by deep-sea currents underneath.

It did not take long before the boarding was announced for the 24-knot catamaran which will be traversing across an open sea towards my island home. I hesitated for a moment for I am sure that it is going to be one rough ride. I just strengthened my resolve, since I have no other viable option for transport. I must be home.

Navigating through a narrow strait, I held my apprehensive thoughts at bay. The waters seem calm as if nothing nerve-wracking is about to happen. As we neared the mouth of the strait, the catamaran would wobble on its sides. A discomforting feeling tingles in my spine as I view white squalls in the distance.

Not for long, I heard the captain speak that we would be encountering rough to very rough sea condition ahead. I held unto my seat and reached for a small crucifix tucked in the pocket of my jeans. A few minutes later, the first wave struck. It shook us and we were hoisted over air. Nobody dared to leave their seats as everybody tried to hang on. We were being toyed upon by the raging waves. We seemed helpless as we prepared for any eventuality that may happen.

I could hear the babies crying as their mothers frantically held them onto their arms. A huge wave hit us on the front hull. The vessel shook violently and the engine shuddered. I closed my eyes. For the first time in my life, I thought that it was going to be my last. The girl seated beside me took my hand hoping that with the mere clasp of our palms would reassure her that she is not alone on this one. Strangers finding comfort with each other at a slight touch. She started to cry. Though I wanted to console her, there's nothing I could do, since I could not even console myself.

With every wave that came our way, I would close my eyes as we were thrown into the air only to land on the water with a splash. A huge wall of water would hit us from time to time and we would find ourselves holding on to whatever we can hold onto. Every moment seemed like an eternity.

The experience had turned me back into a child fearful of being abandoned. The crew was on high alert. Everybody was on alert. To my mind, whatever happens I know that they will likewise be powerless to help everybody out. I then played my favorite song in my mind.

"You''ll remember me as the west wind moves upon the fields of barley. You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky as we walk in fields of gold...."

I managed to smile, the first time on that day... The girl was still tightly holding my right hand. Within each verse, a different imagery from my current predicament would spring out from my mind. Only then I was able to console the girl that everything is going to be alright.

"Will you stay with me? Will you be my love among the fields of barley? We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky as we lie in fields of gold..."